Media Trained

I was fourteen with fisherman hat

1999, Blur and all that,

On my hight street saw a film crew

This wasn’t anything that new

They’d came since the bomb blew

So I say, ‘what are ye asking?

Resporter’s like ‘what are ye wearing?’

It’s better than your crappy tie

Was my quick fire reply

So I did my first vox pop

My virgin to camera piece

It was just a local story

But it was aired on the main telly

News at Ten, It was a slow news day

So they played what i had to say

That it didn’t matter about the flags

Or Irish warnings on your fags

The real issue – infrastructure

Jobs, education, healthcare.

For work experience at 17,

Joined the Newsletter,

The Protestant paper

With the political editor

He taught me how to rewrite AP

Reuters, all the news wires

How getting news form TV was easier

Than actually being there.

Got my name in the paper,

PSNI buy new water cannons

Not my catchiest of headlines

There i learnt, don’t use Taiosch

It’s Irish Premier and get it done by dinner

Then came the right wing story

That squatters are the enemy

Ended up with BBC The One Show

In my room wanting to know

How I could steal someone’s home

When this was an empty, left alone

Then cutaways of a bare bed on the floor

A stock picture from their media store

To perpetrate the image

The media want us to envisage

Then again, the paper came

Used my quote as headline

Squatting is the perfect example of Big Society

Got some backlash from my community

But most got the irony

Then got trained at Greenpeace

To keep the media on a lease

Acknowledge, bridge, communicate

Don’t answer the question mate

Prepare your key messages

Bang it out in rehearsals

Give the media the morsels

For the editor, the vulture,

Is it live, or a pre record?

What outlet is it for?

Pitch it for their demographic

Don’t come across too hectic

Normal is how the TV likes it

Mostly its about look and sound

What you say is probably drowned

By the washing of the dishes

And the viewers endless twitters


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